Ambition…or lack thereof.

Something I haven’t mentioned recently is that I started a new job in June. I’m not quite sure if I mentioned it in previous posts’ but I had been applying for work since February. I had a few interviews but nothing ever panned out.

Then in May I had an interview for a company I had heard about but didn’t really know much. (Not really sure if I’m allowed to mention it so I’m going to play it safe and just not). I went into the interview kind of ambivalent. I had already gone to a few, the companies hadn’t even bothered to send me a rejection letter, and I figured the same thing would’ve happened here. But to my surprise they called me back by the end of the week and offered me the job.

I’m glad I took the job. I’m working for a popular big box store in the States–my gosh do I miss big box stores–as a Help Desk Agent for their employees, dealing with things like security cameras, office computers and printers. I like the people I work with. I love getting out of the house and talking with people my own age. I think the decision to get out and work was great for my mental health. But the longer I’m there, the harder it is for me to find an incentive to stay there long term.

Like most companies, getting a promotion here is dependent on whether or not a position NEEDS to be filled. I won’t go as far as to say that promotions, when they happen, aren’t reward based. But they only happen based on when a position opens up. Again, that’s understandable and it happens in most companies, especially the higher up someone gets in a company the harder it is to move from position to position. Unless you’re in IT, but I don’t feel like I’ll be qualified for an IT position any time soon.

In most of my past work experiences I’ve always been ambitious. I’ve always done my job well to get promoted quickly or have been able to find better jobs at other companies based on my customer service. I wanted to be someone “important.” I wanted to be able to do something at more than just an entry level position. But in my current position, both within the company and also in Uruguay, I’m feeling like my only options will always be at a call center.

Which leads me to wonder if we should move back to the States in order to find better paying work. But then I think about health insurance and how difficult it would be to come by unless I have a full time job and I start having a panic attack. I know that us moving, anywhere at this point, is unrealistic.

Before I had kids I would always be the first one into work and the last one out. I worked extra shifts and wouldn’t mind if I didn’t get paid for them. I always figured that my dedication would be noticed and appreciated, eventually being merited. But now every afternoon I make sure to clock out at exactly the precise moment my shift ends to get home and be with my child. I don’t offer to take my coworkers shifts when they need a day off  because it means more days away from PJ. I show up, I clock in, do my job, and leave.

I’m at this point in my life where I feel like I have no ambition and no direction in my life apart from loving and caring for my family. I don’t know what I want to do for ME. I look at my husband and his passion for his art. He’s so driven to succeed. He works tirelessly to promote himself, to put on shows, to get recognized by publications, anything that will get him a step ahead.

I miss that burning desire to succeed, you know, the one that feels like a roaring fire in the pit of your stomach being fed with each and every “Good job!” and “Great work! Keep it up!”

I’m hoping that in the coming months I’ll be able to find what fuels me again. Who knows, maybe I’ll find it in this job. Or maybe I’ll find it in something totally different like writing, baking, or outreach! I just know that in order to ignite that fire again I have to start looking for a match.


**I’ll make a post soon about how we’ve transitioned from two stay-at-home parents to one!

Our new normal: an excuse for me to whine about first world problems

I mentioned a few weeks ago that Carlos got a new job. He’s currently working for a company that outsources customer service to Amazon. The hours are less than ideal (12:30pm-8:00pm) and the commute is awful (four hours daily) but we’ve been making it work. I will admit though it has been rough for me to get used to not having him around.

I know that 99.99% of stay-at home moms do it alone. They keep house and do the child rearing without the help of their partner. And the first few days without Carlos home, I didn’t know how they did it. PJ was throwing tantrums left and right, she wouldn’t eat, and all she did was run around yelling “DADA!” But after the first three or four days she got used to it. She started eating again and was more affectionate. She definitely is still throwing tantrums but it’s because we’re limiting screen time and she is not happy. Damn you Mickey Mouse Clubhouse for being so appealing!

However, now she barely acknowledges Carlos when he comes home from work. He gets here about twenty minutes before bed time so at that point she’s cranky and just wants to run around. He’ll walk in through the door and depending on the day she will either smile big for him or just pretend he isn’t there. I’m hoping it’s just a phase and she will be more excited to see her dad as time goes on. Luckily since he’s starting his official schedule this Sunday, he will be able to spend the good hours with her before work and not only get to see her for ten to twenty minutes.

What’s been most difficult for me to adjust to is not having help when things around the house get tough. Since we live with my parents I’m constantly cleaning, running their errands, doctors appointments, cooking, etc. I’ve spent the past two years doing all of this with Carlos by my side and now I have to do it alone.This is an issue that everyone goes through but right now I feel like I’m standing at the base of Mount Everest being forced to climb it completely unprepared. I’m trying to find my rhythm but it’s proving to be difficult. I’m praying that once our house is finished I’ll be able to be a bit more organized.

These are tiny things to be complaining or stressing about but in my currently very tiny life bubble, it’s what’s happening in our lives right now. Next week our shipping container gets here and I promise to write a post on how that all went. I was going to write it earlier but seeing how not much has happened I figured I would write just one post. I can’t wait to sleep on our bed and our nice sheets and wear clothes I haven’t seen in over two years. I’ll probably be swamped for a few months trying to organize everything getting here.