Ambition…or lack thereof.

Something I haven’t mentioned recently is that I started a new job in June. I’m not quite sure if I mentioned it in previous posts’ but I had been applying for work since February. I had a few interviews but nothing ever panned out.

Then in May I had an interview for a company I had heard about but didn’t really know much. (Not really sure if I’m allowed to mention it so I’m going to play it safe and just not). I went into the interview kind of ambivalent. I had already gone to a few, the companies hadn’t even bothered to send me a rejection letter, and I figured the same thing would’ve happened here. But to my surprise they called me back by the end of the week and offered me the job.

I’m glad I took the job. I’m working for a popular big box store in the States–my gosh do I miss big box stores–as a Help Desk Agent for their employees, dealing with things like security cameras, office computers and printers. I like the people I work with. I love getting out of the house and talking with people my own age. I think the decision to get out and work was great for my mental health. But the longer I’m there, the harder it is for me to find an incentive to stay there long term.

Like most companies, getting a promotion here is dependent on whether or not a position NEEDS to be filled. I won’t go as far as to say that promotions, when they happen, aren’t reward based. But they only happen based on when a position opens up. Again, that’s understandable and it happens in most companies, especially the higher up someone gets in a company the harder it is to move from position to position. Unless you’re in IT, but I don’t feel like I’ll be qualified for an IT position any time soon.

In most of my past work experiences I’ve always been ambitious. I’ve always done my job well to get promoted quickly or have been able to find better jobs at other companies based on my customer service. I wanted to be someone “important.” I wanted to be able to do something at more than just an entry level position. But in my current position, both within the company and also in Uruguay, I’m feeling like my only options will always be at a call center.

Which leads me to wonder if we should move back to the States in order to find better paying work. But then I think about health insurance and how difficult it would be to come by unless I have a full time job and I start having a panic attack. I know that us moving, anywhere at this point, is unrealistic.

Before I had kids I would always be the first one into work and the last one out. I worked extra shifts and wouldn’t mind if I didn’t get paid for them. I always figured that my dedication would be noticed and appreciated, eventually being merited. But now every afternoon I make sure to clock out at exactly the precise moment my shift ends to get home and be with my child. I don’t offer to take my coworkers shifts when they need a day off  because it means more days away from PJ. I show up, I clock in, do my job, and leave.

I’m at this point in my life where I feel like I have no ambition and no direction in my life apart from loving and caring for my family. I don’t know what I want to do for ME. I look at my husband and his passion for his art. He’s so driven to succeed. He works tirelessly to promote himself, to put on shows, to get recognized by publications, anything that will get him a step ahead.

I miss that burning desire to succeed, you know, the one that feels like a roaring fire in the pit of your stomach being fed with each and every “Good job!” and “Great work! Keep it up!”

I’m hoping that in the coming months I’ll be able to find what fuels me again. Who knows, maybe I’ll find it in this job. Or maybe I’ll find it in something totally different like writing, baking, or outreach! I just know that in order to ignite that fire again I have to start looking for a match.


**I’ll make a post soon about how we’ve transitioned from two stay-at-home parents to one!


Happy Father’s Day?

While a lot of people take this time to celebrate Father’s, I like to think of it as a second (or third, fourth, fifth, etc) reminder to think about family. About the choices that come with parenthood and grandparenthood or anyone that is blessed enough to raise a child.

Today I’ve seen a lot of posts stating things like, “To all the mother’s that double as mom and dad, y’all are the real MVP.” And while yes I agree that being a single parent is probably the most difficult job on the planet, it doesn’t take away from anyone that chooses to raise a child. Every person that raises a child makes sacrifices, has doubts, fears and difficult choices to make.

I’d like this post to be a thank you to those people who don’t get enough recognition in raising a child; the grandparent that is picking up where a parent is lacking, the single parents, the parents that are doing it together, the childcare workers in foster homes or orphanages. Doing this job is hard. The sleepless nights, the endless crying, the potty training, teaching how to read, write and add. There are different aspects of this life that make it difficult, but it’s a job that NEVER ends. Whether your child is two days old or 50 years old, you never stop worrying or caring for you child.

Yes, there may be grandparents day or aunts/uncles day but for those who carry that title along with mom and dad for a child that isn’t their own shouldn’t be overlooked. Know that while your child may be unappreciative a lot of the time, there are people out there that appreciate everything you do to raise that child. That any choice you make, no matter how difficult, is to do what’s in the best interest of your child.

The outside world may look at a child that isn’t raised by their parents with pity, thinking that they may not be getting love at home. But only you know the love that flows in your home. That while there are days you worry that you aren’t enough for your child, you’re doing your best to give that child love.

Every morning I wake up and see Paloma surrounded by love and kindness by all sides. Her grandparents are constantly spoiling her with hugs, her aunt makes her delicious meals and cuddles on the couch, her dad and I are completely in awe of everything she learns on a daily basis. We are blessed to be able to raise our daughter with her whole family around her. You are equally as blessed to raise a child, because of the choices you made you are able to bless a child with love.

This may not be a popular view but it is how I feel. Parenting isn’t a competition because at the end of the day we’re all doing the best we can. Today we appreciate our father’s but I feel like we should also appreciate any child rearer.